I have a date tonight, with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together

My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver

No Matter how hard you try. you'll never wash off my cuteness

I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

I will find you and I will lick you

Being so close to a friend that no matter how much you insult each other, you never get offended

A Cute letter by a little boy. Dear Maths, please grow up now and solve your problems yourself. Regards

Funny, you have the same answers as your friend.

2.6 Million Citizens Free WiFi to all. Awesome Taiwan

Why I turn on the TV: 10% to watch shows. 90% to use it as background noise so I feel less lonely while I'm on the internet

Mailman jumped 15 feet. Dog was right. This is fun

What if the Human is not my pet but I'm his.

That moment when a package says "Easy open" and you end up using scissors, a knife, a hammer, a gun and a lightsaber trying to open it

Wait, u need this bowl? what do u need it for? It can't be as important as what I'm doing with it

When girls are hugging. When guys are Hugging

If colgate toothpaste kills 99.9% of germs, what does colgate sensitive do?? it kills 99.9% of germs, without hurting there feelings!

You want cuddles on demand? here's $20 buy a dog

Aaaah, time to think about what I should have said in every conversation I had today

My reaction when I connect to free WiFi

The first time on a Plane. This is a dream come true! I'm Flying! look at those clouds! I will never forget this moment!! 10 mins later...

when someone talks about something I don't have the capacity to care about.. I'm killing you in my mind

Carpet Alarm Clock, Forces you to get up and stand on it to turn it off. I need this in my life.

When the guy living upstairs has unprotected WiFi.

I've been using Google for over 10 years, I still have no idea what the "I'm feeling lucky" button does

with every idiot comes another idiot and his idiot friends. Now we have an idiot convention

I'm sorry for what I said when i was hungry

If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?

I have never faked a sarcasm in my life

Yelling someone's name in different voices until they hear you

Dear ABS-CBN, please lang po pakitapos mo na ang teleseryeng Be Careful with my heart. napakabagal ng storya at napakaboring na. Lumaki na si Dyesebel, gumanda na si Mirabella, naging tao na si Miho, dumating na ang nanay ni Dao Ming Si, nagkita na ulit si Jepoy at ang mga taong bulbol, pumayat na ang Final 4 ng Biggest Loser, nahuli na ni Monica si Adrian at Nicole, nagpagupit na ng buhok si Kris Aquino, magbubukas na ang PBB House ni Kuya, at nanganak na ng apat yung kapitbahay namin, pero hanggang ngayon hindi padin nanganganak si Maya. Ano ba yang anak nila ni Sir Chief, alien.

Pepe. Malaking Pepe.

Oh you Wonder why guys give you a one night stand? please keep posting Bikini pics online.

I am divorcing your father! LOL. Oh God what now mom. he gave me a stiffy for our anniversary last night. unreal. a stiffy!! ew mom I don't need to hear about that. No, a Swiffer. 30 yrs of marriage for a Swiffer. what is a Stiffy. don't even ask. but it's better than a swiffer LOL

Cute Jewish guy at the dog park. Going to medical school. Did he Post for that? No it was taken secretly. hahahaha so that's why you go to the dog park. yes to find you a boyfriend

Hey mom I've decided I'm coming out. Oh Michael, Dad and I always knew you were gay, but I am a tad shocked you texted me! I love you no matter what! Mom. Im not gay. I sent my text before I could finish. I'm coming out to see you and Dad in May! LOL. we love you no matter what type of coming out you do!

Note to self some things should not be said after a one night stand. my God, that was amazing. that was fun, it's been so long since I've done it for free.

There is lightly fried fish fillets for dinner. Dad it's 1:15am wtf. do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not? well I mean yea. Mhm thought so come on downstairs they're still hot. wait what did you just make them? Yes I wasn't tired so I decided to make some lightly fried fish fillets say lightly fried fish fillets one more time dad

Your great aunt just passed away. LOL. why is that funny? it's not funny David! what do you mean? Mom lol means laughing out loud! oh my goodness! I sent that to everyone ithought it means lots of love. I have to call everyone back oh god

Please stop changing the Google logo so much I like the original one. Mom I don't change the logo. Google changes it. on my computer. you don't run the google? If I did I wouldn't be driving a 2004 ford

Dad there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it? Pls hurry because I'm going to cry. Dad. Dad. Dad is dead, you're next. Love, Moth

How do u work this iMessage program? how's the. dad ur on the toilet.. that's why I'm smiling!

What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean? I don't know, love you, talk to you later. Ok, I will ask your sister

Please don't text me for the next hour, I'm going to be on the treadmill. I wasn't planning to texting you. what did i just say?

Do you still need help sewing? I can come over on Sunday. No. I urinated my pants today. I urinated my pants. I heard you. Why?? are you ok? I am trying to say un hemmed! I did not pee myself! Lol I was worried for a sec

Has one night stand but too many books to fit on it

I think there's something wrong with my phone. I don't think my texts are going through. Yeah, they're getting through. how can you be sure?

Hi Bridget I space space space space how space are space you space doing period capital eye love this new phone exclamation point. I see youre using voice text. you don't have to say space mom it does it for you. I cucumber letter pea Ritalin. What? Mom stop just type

EMO when you think you've seen the worst of them

Parenting. it's not for everyone!

Parenting You're doing it wrong