I don't always eat bacon, but when I do... I make her shower first

I want to hear the story behind this cake. I'm Sorry I blacked out, tried to kill you, and almost got us arrested

Proven Fact : Each morning gravity around the bed is ten times stronger... like if you agree

Follow your brain. your heart is a stupid as shit

I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony... I'll decide in the car

There's nothing wrong with a good hearted person having a naughty side, it's a good release

I am Not your Baby Daddy get a job, get off welfare and take responsibility

I'm going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year

I hate the part of the morning where i have to get out of bed and participate in real life

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

I'm good to the people that are good to me! the rest of you can kiss my fucking ass

Breaking News. Common sense is now an endangered species. Stupidity has taken over the world and unfortunately there is no known cure