My girlfriend said I need to be a more gentle lover, so now I burn candles and play soft jazz when I destroy her Vagina

A Black Chinese Now I can Die in Peace

I'd fight a bear for you. Not a grizzly. or a brown bear. Or a panda. but maybe like a Care Bear? I'd fight one of those sonsabtiches for you

The key to a woman's heart is laughter. Just make sure she's not laughing at your dick

I am Wonder Woman. I wonder where I left my keys. I wonder how I put weight on. I wonder where my money went, I wonder where I put my phone, I often wonder why I wonder

Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale. For the rest of us there is always Alcohol.

I'm sorry I'm a little allergic to bullshit

When the Walking Dead is on, You shut the fuck up!

One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. The same as one monday on earth

Sometimes you need those bad days, because it helps you truly appreciate the good ones

I make milk what's your super power? I make milk that makes you make milk

First kiss.. It's always kinda awkward..