Thank God for all the gossip and backstabbing our co-workers provide for our entertainment. Otherwise work might start feeling like actual work

Periods help you learn how to get blood off of things which is probably why you hear more stories of men caught with murder.

Frankly, my humor is for my enjoyment, it is inconsequential if you get it or not

Am I getting old or is the grocery store playing great music these days?

I opened up a random book I was pleasantly surprised. I want to thank everyone who helped me create this book, except for that guy who yelled at me in Kmart when I was eight because he thought I was being "too rowdy" you're an asshole, sir.

You say "To-may-to" I say "To-mah-to" but my name is steve. no one asked you steve. no one asked you.

We can only be friends if you are kind of a bitch. not a full blown bitch, because that's no fun. and if you're not a bitch at all, that won't work either. A halfway bitch. those are my kind of people

Some people need a kiss on the neck. from a crocodile

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

I'm trying to give up sexual innuendos.. but it's hard... so hard.

I need to get on medication so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side effects

Behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and thou shalt see that it is barren.