Why Parents Drink

Why Parents Drink:

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME.!!:)

What would you do if I won the lottery?

I asked my wife,"what would you do if i won the lottery?"

she replied,"i would take half and leave you". I said,"good i won $12 here's $6 now fuck off"

Why I fired my secretary

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

Feel old yet?

Trust me, When I woke today I had no plans to be so sexy, But shit Happens!

If you like having sex while listening to music - always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes

I don't believe in beating my kids. So I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt and Crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me - Adam Sandler

So you can pay $6,445,883 on a commercial for starving kids, but you can't feed them?

Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions and an education. Cause 10 yrs from now "Swag" isn't going to pay bills

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be

To Do List : 1. Buy a sword. 2. Name it Kindness. 3. Kill people with Kindness

If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number then that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me

I'm not rude I simple say what everyone else hasn't got the fuckin balls to say

You never know how dity a song's lyrics are... until you hear a child sing them.

The older I get, the more I realize how much I fucking hate people

I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2001

Turn Me On

We can do anything, but not everything

With both happiness and sadness, the same saying applies: 'This too shall pass

Galunggong is not food

My sister's boss is American. Once, when he saw them eating galunggong,

he said,"Why are you eating that? That's not food, that's bait!"

Puto and Puta

Our Indian office mate once said, "My two most favorite things in the Philippines are puto and puta."

ng goi means thank you in Hong Kong

in Hong Kong, "ng goi" means "thank you" The first time someone said it to our mom, she shouted :"unggoy ka rin!"

Baltamesa Blvd.

A foreigner rode a taxi and asked to be brought to "Baltamesa Blvd."

The Driver insisted there was no such street. The foreigner directed the driver to a street in Makati and got off on a corner that had a big sign with the words: "Bawal tumae sa Blvd."

What nationality are you?

CHATMATE: "What nationality are you?"

ME: " Filipino."

CHATMATE: "Oh, I thought you were Asian."

American missionary on heaven and hell

An American missionary was making a speech on heaven and hell :

"pag keyow nemetey, et pumunta sa impiyernow, mereming demownyow na meleleki eng soongay. Perow, 'pag pumunta keyow sa lengit, mereming angel na meleleki and pekpek."

No Broo Coffee

My brother was ordering from a Korean barista and asked for brewed coffee.

The waiter said, "No broo coffee, onree brack."

Is it true you have cows in China?

An Australian office mate asked a Chinese office mate :

"Is it true you have cows in China?" 

Kris Aquino and Ninoy

A Taiwanese-American missionary patient handed me a 500 peso bill. Pointing at Nino

I asked Him: "Do you know who this is? "

He answered: " Kris' dad."

Pwede ka bang MAKANTOT?

Pwede ka bang MAKANTOT?

M aging

A aking

K aibigan na

A agapay at

N agmamahal ng

T otoo sa lahat ng

O ras at

T apat sa lahat ng bagay

So, PWDE BA? hahaha