Sunday, March 15, 2015

Let's drive Mom bat-shit crazy. that way, she'll let us watch TV just to get a moment's peace

Your village called. their idiot is missing

What do you call an alligator in a vest? an investigator

I find it easy to act like I don't care because I don't

I hate when I don't know someone's name, but it's been long enough that it's too awkward to ask. do you, rachel, take this man.. aha! rachel!

You're focusing too much on the "Crazy" and not enough on the "mother fucking awesome"

Break ups are like a bikini wax

Our break up was due to religious differences. He thought he was God. I didn't

Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible God and destroys a visible Nature. Unaware that this Nature he's destroying is this God he's worshiping. - Hubert Reeves

some people are Ok. but mostly I just feel like poisoning everybody

Someday, I'll have a body like that

You know what really grinds my gears? when a girl with a nice curvy body thinks she is fat

If I could stop daydreaming about things that will never happen and live my life that'd be great

We did not evolve from monkeys. we simply share a common ancestor

Why the f*ck don't Vampires just go down on Menstrual Women?

I watch anime for the plot

If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward then, brother, that person is a piece of shit - Rustin Cohle

Patrick turns Audience into Fish Sticks

Just because a Woman likes your picture or your status on social media. does not mean she wants to see a picture of your weiner

Complains about how english people are too lazy to learn use french whilst in France. laughs at and degrades any English person trying to use French

Patient will be charged extra for annoying the doctor with self-diagnosis gotten off the internet

I would like to apologize to anyone i have not offended. please be patient. I will get to you shortly

He'd better have gotten hit by a bus to have not texted me back by now!

if you made soup too salty put potato in for 20 minutes, it will absorb salt

recreating friends with jimmy kimmel. not this shit again!

Became the first girl who won a wine tasting contest in spain. now people pay me to drink their wine

Heisenberg knows Chemistry. Sheldon Knows Physics. Jon Snow Knows Nothing

Girlfriend wants to try anal. now my ass hurts

Boy being pecked by Duck

I'm going to save up for a new Lamborghini. done.

If a dude staring at your boobs and you're tired of it, just stare right at his package make him feel insecure. Even, like kinda squint your eyes a little bit

Designed to be about stealth and blending in. best part of it is fighting as many enemies as possible

If someone has an imaginary friend, he is crazy. but if a group of people has a same imaginary friend, it's called Religion?

A winkle pickler. A hospital porter pickled the penises of dead patients and kept them in jars at his home. Dozens of stolen willies were found on the shelves of the unnamed man's bedroom after his house was raided over an unrelated incident. Staff said they had noticed corpses without their private parts in the hospital morgue but the man said they had been removed for tests. DNA samples are being taken from the organs to identify who they beloned to in Slavonski Brod, Croatia. Police said the porter could now face up to two years in jail

The Pity Train has just derailed at the corner of Suck it up & move on, and crashed into we all have problems, before coming to a stop at get the hell over it

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I have spent the last six years writing my two weeks notice

have you ever tried simply turning off the TV? sitting down with your children and hitting them?

Please do not leave drinks unattended the cat is an asshole

Hello Rosetta Stone, do you have a program that will teach me how to speak fucktard or twatwaffl?

Dear Students, I know when you're texting in class. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, your Teacher

if Helen Keller could be taught manners, what the hell is wrong with your kids?

I've never seen so much concern and disappointment in an expression in my life

The proper skirt length is at least two inches below your cellulite

I see, so if I don't have sex with you I'm a prude bitch, if I use the pill I'm a slut, if I get pregnant I'm an idiot and if I choose abortion I'm Satan. yay

8 year old girl sitting on the ground crying. because her mother only gave her 60$ for shopping.

A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

What if the doctor actually does exist but we live in a parallel universe where he is just a character in a tv show

A Man needs a name. Hodor

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