Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I know a first time parent when I see one.


Dear God, Thanks for making me funny, Especially since you didn't give me much else to work with


Sometimes I think I should try to be more compassionate and understanding and then you start talking


Most things can be improved by one of five things; cheese, bbq sauce, melted butter, ranch dressing, or chocolate


I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that


I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.


That's tasteless, inappropriate, and totally hilarious


There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are supposed to be doing something else


Oh, Really? You know what that sounds like? Not my problem


I'm sorry if you don't like my honesty but to be fair I don't like your lies


Of course women don't work as hard as men.. they get it right the first time


I wish a bitch with fake eyebrows would try to argue with me. I would lick my thumbs so quick


My sense of humor earns me countless uneasy stares.


Texting in class level expert


Aww, I'm flattered you think I'm jealous. Whatever helps you sleep at night deary


Not sure if the Pope's resigning or this is the most creative way ever to quit twitter


The Power of a Tattoo


Friday, July 25, 2014

I woke up early. there was no worm


Strongest Man in the Universe. Afraid of his wife.


Things that melt. things you care about melting


How I feel after I walk up the stairs at school. Bruh


When Thor throws his hammer, he is "serving justice" when I throw a hammer, I "have anger management issue"


If they cheated in a relationship to get you. they're going to do the same to quit you


Don't drink.. and drive


Mom I'm feeling sick, take me to the doctor


Why do the women never have to take a DNA test to see if it's theirs? Nigga you just went full retard


if Monday had a face. I would punch it


You look out your back door and see these aliens. the object to your left is your only defence, how fucked are you?


Every students camera roll


Poor Man didn't even know


Now I can die in peace.


Name a word or phrase we need to stop using in 2014


The Two States. That Legalized Pot are getting together for a Super Bowl


Even the guy chasing her is laughing


In the Midnight hour. she cried moe, moe, moe


Sophia Vergara sounds like she has a dick in her mouth.. I hate hearing her talk. What's wrong with having a dick in my mouth?


Make up it makes a difference.


When your waiter comes out with food but it's for another table.


Confident Girls are Beautiful


We wanted them smaller until they could show selfies. then we wanted them bigger again


I have a disease called AWESOME. you won't understand it since you don't have it


Go Home UAAP You're Drunk


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