Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee

You know you had good sex when you walk outside and the neighborss start clapping

We had social Networking back in the day. It was called Go outside and play

If you know wwhat movie this is... then you are old enough

If you are angry and yell. The Stronger you become

Caturday. Even chibi misaka is excited about it

So all you want is a taste?

I don't always die, but when I do. I don't - Eren Attack on Titan

We watch anime for the Plot

waiting for Kuroko no Basuke Season 2

Taking 30 minutes to shower, because you like to stand there, under the hot water, just thinking about life.

that moment when you need to adjust your sleeping position but feel bad because your pet is asleep on you

the world would be a much better place if men admitted that they cry and women that they masturbate.

Walk up in the club like. Whaddup I got a big Cock

Alcohol talking

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence

I had to give up jogging, it almost killed me.. My thighs kept rubbing together and set my underwear on fire!

Have you ever been so drunk... You had to strap yourself in, and hold on for Dear life?

How not to wear a Disney Sweater

That feeling you get when someone you thought was cool as shit, turns out to be shady as fuck.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back but when you're with them they always got their phone in their hand texting

I don't do the keep calm & carry on thing. I do the Keep Calm & quietly, stealthily, chillingly Plot Revenge Thing...

Apparently, Ice is really bad for your health! Warn all your friends!

Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll... or you're taking shit from some asshole

Lemme Grab dat ass

3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees!

Did you ever Wonder where the Expression "Dick Head" originated?

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I wanted to bark at the neighbors too, But I'm a cat

Selective hearing aids for men

Your breath smells like shit. Have you been kissing ass again?

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears, bears will kill you.

Remember.. Life is a Bitch. If it was easy it would be a slut

Only a fool trips on what is behind him.

It's a beautiful day. I really want you to go outside and play.

Sure, I'll wear a Tiara. What weapons does it have?

I don't wanna TACO 'bout it

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

What does your family do?

Seeing a Teacher outside of school... You have no Power here...

Like if you're bored & scrolling through your newsfeed

I don't fucking care if it's 1am, 2am, 3am, or 4am. If you call and I care about you, I will answer

I heard your a player. Nice to meet you. I'm the coach

Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate Not an alcoholic

I wish I had Dora's Parents. They let that Bitch go anywhere!!!

The Sun will destroy planet Earth in 7.6 billion years

Now you know PAIN!!

Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before going to bed?

Who remembers going on the computer just to use Paint and Space pinball?

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