if you made soup too salty put potato in for 20 minutes, it will absorb salt

Became the first girl who won a wine tasting contest in spain. now people pay me to drink their wine

I'm going to save up for a new Lamborghini. done.

Dear Students, I know when you're texting in class. Seriously, no one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, your Teacher

Awesome Quotes

In High school, a bully used to stab me every week. one day, I ate a car battery and he got electrocuted

Complimented a hot girl at the gym on her body. oh this is nothing you should see me naked

Making Freedom Angels

We got here with a computer less powerful than your cell phone.

My mom always said to put things back where you found them.. so I'm about to put this bitch in her place

Darth Vader Parent

In the not too distant future, emergency sirens will be personalized like ringtones. Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin alive stayin alive. I fought the law and the law won. It's raining men, hallelujah! it's raining men!

I can't believe it I'm on a box of cookies.

You could sleep in on Sunday. Or, you could drag your ass over 13.1 miles just for a cheap medal, tee shirt, and glass of wine. welcome to the insanity

I'm sorry, Ma'am? Oh, we're just about to make some history. No big deal.

You may have a hot body, but I have a hot burger and a cold beer. who's the real winner here?

My daughter had a crazy hair day at her School. this is what her mom came up with

Steve Jobs on IBM

S

These are your kids. These are your kids on books

I am fucking insane but my intentions are gold and my heart is pure.