So you think I'm batshit crazy? say it again to my face.. so you can get the full experience

Sorry, I'm not Adele. I don't wish the best for you nor do I want to find someone like you. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff

Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can't help but stop and think, "Yup, I'm about to get my first assault charge."

I may be taking the high road on the outside, but inwardly, I'm wishing I could punch you in the face and slash your tires

If I give you a nice big straw. will you go suck the fun out of someone else's day?

Oh, I'm a Pacifist, alright. I'm about to pass a fist across your face

I need to get on medication so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side effects

Roses are red, Violets are blue, He's for me, not for you. and if by chance, you take my place, I'll take my fist and smash your face

My name must taste like chocolate, sex, and heaven all rolled into one... because you can't seem to keep it out of your mouth.

I think about you all the time. Well, not all the time; mostly just when I'm using my woodchipper

When someone asks me if I'm working hard, or hardly working, I'm tempted to punch them in the throat & ask them if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Lord, it's me. Can you do me a favor and close your eyes for a second while I deal with a slight problem

It's a good thing I don't live near an active lava pit, because I would have already thrown three people into it today

This Bacon is so undercooked its trying to pull me over for speeding

I can tell by the way you park your car that I hate you

Ways to tell a Woman's mad at you. 1. She's silent. 2. She's yelling. 3. She acts the same 4. She acts different. 5. She murdered you

Hate you? don't be simple. I prefer loathe. I loathe you. Detest is good. Execrate, despise, abhor, but never just hate

I actually don't need to control my anger. Everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off

Nobody ever seems to notice how much time I spend not screaming

I may seem quiet and reserved, but if you mess with my dog, I will break out a level of crazy that will make your nightmares seem like a happy place