Sunday, February 24, 2013

Push or Pull

Don't want to raise your kid? there's an app for that!

Just Because it zips. Doesn't mean it fits!

Sometimes we just eat pussy

I was doing research on urban planning in the slums of Manila with an American classmate.

In Malabon, we interviewed a man who was complaining about their squalid conditions.

My classmate : " What do you do when you don't have any money for food?"

Struggling with English, the poor man replied : " Sir, sometimes we just eat pussy." ( Meaning they ate stray cats. )

Love never dies

Apo : " Lola, totoo bang true love never dies?"

Lola : " Oo naman, tignan mo lolo mo, ayaw mamatay-matay!"

Sino yan? yung bobo o yung bad breath?

Lola to granddaughter who was with a suitor : " Sino 'yan, 'yung bobo o 'yung bad breath? "

Lolo at ang Kutsara

I was feeding my lolo with lugaw but he was uncooperative.

Me : "Sige na Lolo, kumain na kayo, kahit dalawang kutsara lang!"

Lolo : "Damuho ka, lugaw nga hindi ko malunok, kutsara pa!"

Lola at Jollibee

Lola at Jollibee : " Yung kape ko lagyan mo ng pulot."

Crew : " Ma'am, wala po kaming pulot."

Lola ; "Ang laki-laki ng bubuyog niyo wala kayong pulot?"

Empty sperm sample jar

An old guy was supposed to submit sample for his sperm count but returned the jar empty.

When asked why, he said : " I tried one hand, then two, ten I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the driver. Even the neighbor's driver! But no one could open the damn jar."

Almost every day!

Apo : " Lolo, gaano kadalas pa kayo mag-sex ni Lola ?"

Lolo : "Almost every day!"

Apo : "Wow, talaga po?"

Lolo : "Oo naman! Kanina nga, almost na naman!"

Nakalimutan ang Restawran

Lolo 1 : " May kinainan kmi na masarap na restawran."

Lolo 2 : " Ano'ng pangalan?"

Lolo 1 : "Teka, ano 'yung bulaklak na pula at may tinik? "

Lolo 2 : "Rose !"

Lolo 1 : "Ayun! Rose, ano'ng pangalan nung kinainan nating restawran?"

Patay na ang mga Pakshet

Priest : "Sino dito and walang kagalit? "

( lola raises her hand )

Priest : " Ayan, tularan natin si lola! Lola, ano ang dahilan at wala kayong kaaway?"

Lola : "Kasi patay na ang mga Pakshet!"

Lolo Forgot Lola's name

Me : " LLolo, ang sweet niyo naman , 'honey' pa rin ang tawag niyo kay lola!"

Lola : "Shhh... 'wag kang maingay! 'Di ko na kasi maalala pangalan niya eh... "

Stool, Urine and Sperm Sample

Doctor : " I'll need samples of your stool, urine and sperm."

Lolo : " Ano daw? "

Lola : "Basta, ibigay mo nalang 'yung brip mo, nandyan na lahatt!"

Gay guy eats ass

We were at a chicken restaurant and I wanted to order chicken butt.

So I asked my friend : " Kumakain ka ba ng puwet?"

He answered: "Oo, basta ba mahal ko."

Gay's favorite part of their body

Host : " Of your body parts, which is your favorite?"

Gay Beauty Contestant : " My neck. Because my neck holds my head, which will hold the crown later tonight. Thank you"

Sausage for his ass

Upon finding out that the salami he ordered at a deli was sliced by the crew.

A Gay customer got angry and said : " Ano'ng akala mo sa pwet ko, alkansya?"

Gay playing badminton

Gay Guy : " Paturo po ng badminton."

Coach : " Sige, hawakan mo ang raketa kung paano ka hahawak ng ari ng lalaki."

Gay Guy : " Ah, isusubo pala? "

Kakainin nalang namin uupuan nyo pa

Gay Friend : " Salot talaga kayong mga babae! Kakainin na lang namin, uupuan niyp pa!"

Honestly Bakla

A kid starting yelling at my gay friend : "Bakla! Bakla!"

My Friend answered : " Bakit, dine-deny ko ba?"

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

They see me rollin' They Hatin

The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind

I hate it when people say they hate someone and then they go and hang out with them

How Parents think you are in class

Share if you see what it says.

That moment when you're tired and sleepy but as soon as you go to bed, your body is like, "Just kidding."

Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up every day to impress you

I want you inside me.. That's Hot

If I've ever offended you, just know that from the bottom of my heart, I really don't give a shit.

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them

Eye contact Challenge!

The Male Orgasm is like Gossip

The Male Orgasm is like Gossip... it passes from mouth to mouth.

More woman than you'll ever get

Angel from Rent : "I'm more man than you'll ever be, and more woman than you'll ever get. "

Di baleng makita ang legs...

Gay guy wearing a mini-skirt : " Di baleng makita ang legs, 'wag lang ang eggs."

Let's get one thing straight

" Let's get one thing straight... I'm not"

Single by Choice

My friend once told me: "I'm single by choice, Their choice."

Ipis sa sabon

A friend once asked me : " Pag nalaglag 'yung ipis sa sabon, lumilinis ba yung ipis, o dumudumi 'yung sabon?"

Wrong Country Dude

A friend told a Taiwanese classmate : " You're Taiwanese? I Love Thailand!"

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