Let's drive Mom bat-shit crazy. that way, she'll let us watch TV just to get a moment's peace

Your village called. their idiot is missing

What do you call an alligator in a vest? an investigator

Someday, I'll have a body like that

Patrick turns Audience into Fish Sticks

I would like to apologize to anyone i have not offended. please be patient. I will get to you shortly

recreating friends with jimmy kimmel. not this shit again!

Girlfriend wants to try anal. now my ass hurts

The Pity Train has just derailed at the corner of Suck it up & move on, and crashed into we all have problems, before coming to a stop at get the hell over it

I have spent the last six years writing my two weeks notice

Please do not leave drinks unattended the cat is an asshole

Hello Rosetta Stone, do you have a program that will teach me how to speak fucktard or twatwaffl?

I've never seen so much concern and disappointment in an expression in my life

A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

What if the doctor actually does exist but we live in a parallel universe where he is just a character in a tv show

A Man needs a name. Hodor

Anna Belle. Annabelle

What if the hacker kept emma watson's photos for himself

Husband and wife come in to get a room for their anniversary. Wife is a regular and comes in with different guys twice a month

Who's a better superhero, thor or loki? thor! why would you say that? because he can knock people down with just his hammer. see? who needs a hammer? I did it with my bare hands!