Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I want to listen to you but I'm thinking about snacks

I love you because you've seen me ugly cry and still talk to me.

Cones cannot stop us from destroying the kitchen. Nothing can stop us. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated love, salt and pepper.

Adele, you've just won 6 grammys, what are you going to do next? I think I'll ride by my ex's house and thank him

Oh, you have thesis defense coming up? I bet you're using your time wisely

When I grow up, I want to marry a grown man addicted to playing video games. said nobody ever

Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends do

If I download a movie in Jamaica. Am I a pirate of the Caribbean???

All the problems in the world today, and you're mad cause my parents don't match?

I'm nervous here, have some alcohol. it isn't working, this alcohol is defective. here, try this one

Dear guy in the library. Thanks for screaming "Oh, no! Dobby's closed the platform! However will we get to Hogwarts? when I accidentally ran headfirst into a wall. sincerely, you just made awkward into awesome

Why do they say "head over heels in love" aren't we always head over heels?

Before Game of Thrones. Still too hot. After Game of Thrones. I am the blood of the Dragon

Because most McDonald's customers can't say four words without being out of breath. QPC easier to say than. Quarter Pounder with Cheese

What if you started making car alarm noises when people you didn't like touched you

Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day while men use only 15,000? Yes, because we have to repeat everything! what?

Monday, September 29, 2014

Sometimes when my underwear matches my outfit it makes me feel like I really have my life together

Want some coffee liqueur on your ice cream? ah, here's the alcohol and drug peer pressure. I was starting to think It was never going to happen... yes, please

Part of me says I need to quit drinking like this. The other parts of me says, "Don't listen to her, she's drunk"

BF said he's working out to get a nice body for seducing me. I'm chubby

I often laugh at extremely inappropriate times. Not because I'm nervous or anything... mainly because I think inappropriate things are funny

is it fall yet? I'm tired of having to shave my legs

I got a new job at a grilled cheese store, this is the shirt I get to wear... In Queso Emergency Pray to Cheeses

Do you find this... arousing?

If somebody tells me not to tell a soul can I tell a ginger?

Lord, it's me. Can you do me a favor and close your eyes for a second while I deal with a slight problem

Thrown into life threatening arena with 22 people out to kill her and an entire Government against her while her family starves and she watches friends die. doesn't swear once

Listen, if I am going to stop my car in the middle of the street to let you cross, you had better hustle & wave, dammit! feel the burn or feel my bumper

Professional fart smeller is a real job in China that pays about US $50,000 per year

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's day. when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon

I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting by Karen Alpert


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Following the success of Go the F**k to Sleep, Confessions of a Scary Mommy, and Ketchup Is a Vegetable, a collection of funny, warm, and charmingly profane tales from the frontlines of parenthood by the author of the popular Baby Sideburns blog.

Once upon a time you and your partner had a perfect life: dinners out, weekend mornings cuddling in bed, brunch with friends. Then you gave birth to a poop machine (or two). Now, it's all about the pediatrician, breast pumps, princess dresses, and minivans. And discovering that your pride and joy is actually a little A-hole.

When your son wakes you up at 3:00 A.M. because he wants to watch Caillou, he's an a-hole. When your daughter outlines every corner of your living room with a purple crayon, she's an a-hole. When your rug rats purposely paint the kitchen ceiling with their smoothies, they're a-holes. At times like these, it's only natural to want to kill them (or yourself). But it's against the law (and there's the suicide hotline). Plus, there's that whole loving them more than anything in the whole world thing.
In I Heart My Little A-Holes, Karen Alpert shares hilarious stories, lists, and deep thoughts on the joys and horrors of raising children. Accompanied by cheery illustrations and photos I Heart My Little A-Holes will make you laugh so hard you'll wish you were wearing a diaper.

I nominate the Wicked Witch of the West to do the A.L.S Ice bucket Challenge. Sigh I'll make a donation

Pale? I'm not pale it's called porceilan and I'm rocking it.

Why is there a "D" when it's a fridge. but not when it's a refrigerator?

What if I told you that if you fight with everybody, you are probably the one with the problem

Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys by Billy Crystal (Author, Narrator)


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Audie Award - Audiobook of the Year, 2014
Audie Award Winner, Narration by the Author or Authors, 2014
Audie Award Winner, Humor, 2014

Nominated for a 2014 Grammy in the Spoken Word category!
Hilarious and heartfelt observations on aging from one of America's favorite comedians, now that he's 65, and a look back at a remarkable career.

Billy Crystal is 65, and he's not happy about it. With his trademark wit and heart, he outlines the absurdities and challenges that come with growing old, from insomnia to memory loss to leaving dinners with half your meal on your shirt. In humorous chapters like ""Buying the Plot"" and ""Nodding Off,"" Crystal not only catalogues his physical gripes, but offers a road map to his 77 million fellow baby boomers who are arriving at this milestone age with him. He also looks back at the most powerful and memorable moments of his long and storied life, from entertaining his relatives as a kid in Long Beach, Long Island, and his years doing stand-up in the Village, up through his legendary stint at Saturday Night Live, When Harry Met Sally, and his long run as host of the Academy Awards. Listeners get a front-row seat to his one-day career with the New York Yankees (he was the first player to ever ""test positive for Maalox""), his love affair with Sophia Loren, and his enduring friendships with several of his idols, including Mickey Mantle and Muhammad Ali. He lends a light touch to more serious topics like religion (""the aging friends I know have turned to the Holy Trinity: Advil, bourbon, and Prozac""); grandparenting; and, of course, dentistry. As wise and poignant as they are funny, Crystal's reflections are an unforgettable look at an extraordinary life well lived.

Still Foolin' 'Em includes a portion recorded in front of a live studio audience.
©2013 Jennilind LLC; (P)2013 Macmillan Audio

Hey here's some Midol. Those cramps are Crazy. But here's the bright side.. it's not a baby

This book describes my entire life... well, that didn't work.

I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult". and it would just be easier if you agreed.

Common Core : Jack has a cat and Jill has a pail of water. If Billy has $5.00, how many figs will his dog eat? write your constructed response using a bar graph

Welcome to the Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut


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This short-story collection Welcome to the Monkey House (1968) incorporates almost completely Vonnegut's 1961 "Canary in a Cathouse," which appeared within a few months of Slaughterhouse-Five and capitalized upon that breakthrough novel and the enormous attention it suddenly brought.

Drawn from both specialized science fiction magazines and the big-circulation general magazines (Saturday Evening Post, Colliers, etc.) which Vonnegut had been one of the few science writers to sell, the collection includes some of his most accomplished work. The title story may be his most famous--a diabolical government asserts control through compulsory technology removing orgasm from sex--but Vonnegut's bitterness and wit, not in his earlier work as poisonous or unshielded as it later became, is well demonstrated.

Two early stories from Galaxy science fiction magazine and one from Fantasy & Science Fiction (the famous "Harrison Bergeron") show Vonnegut's careful command of a genre about which he was always ambivalent, stories like "More Stately Mansions" or "The Foster Portfolio" the confines and formula of a popular fiction of which he was always suspicious. Vonnegut's affection for humanity and bewilderment as its corruption are manifest in these early works.

Several of these stories (those which appeared in Collier's) were commissioned by Vonnegut’s Cornell classmate and great supporter Knox Burger, also born in 1922.


Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007) is one of the most beloved American writers of the twentieth century. Vonnegut's audience increased steadily since his first five pieces in the 1950s and grew from there. His 1968 novel Slaughterhouse-Five has become a canonic war novel with Joseph Heller's Catch-22 to form the truest and darkest of what came from World War II.

Vonnegut began his career as a science fiction writer, and his early novels--Player Piano and The Sirens of Titan--were categorized as such even as they appealed to an audience far beyond the reach of the category. In the 1960s, Vonnegut became closely associated with the Baby Boomer generation, a writer on that side, so to speak.

Now that Vonnegut's work has been studied as a large body of work, it has been more deeply understood and unified. There is a consistency to his satirical insight, humor and anger which makes his work so synergistic. It seems clear that the more of Vonnegut's work you read, the more it resonates and the more you wish to read. Scholars believe that Vonnegut's reputation (like Mark Twain's) will grow steadily through the decades as his work continues to increase in relevance and new connections are formed, new insights made.


Author Kurt Vonnegut is considered by most to be one of the most important writers of the twentieth century. His books Slaughterhouse-Five (named after Vonnegut's World War II POW experience) and Cat's Cradle are considered among his top works. RosettaBooks offers here a complete range of Vonnegut's work, including his first novel (Player Piano, 1952) for readers familiar with Vonnegut's work as well as newcomers.

When I grow up, I'm going to have my first kid read the Harry Potter series and convince him that he's a Wizard, too, and he'll receive his Hogwarts letter when he turns eleven. Sure enough, on his eleventh birthday he'll check the mail to find the letter ( written by me, obviously) and in the fall, I'll take him to King's Cross, point him towards platforms nine and ten, and not say a word as he collides into the pillar.

That's why you should stop taking pictures of your food.

My favorite part of the day is right in that sweet spot after I wake up but before I remember that I hate everything

I Am Spartacus!: Making a Film, Breaking the Blacklist by Kirk Douglas (Author), George Clooney (Foreword)


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From Kirk Douglas, Hollywood royalty and bestselling author of The Ragman’s Son and My Stroke of Luck, comes the candid story of the making of Spartacus, the blockbuster film that broke the blacklist

One of the world’s most iconic movie stars, Kirk Douglas has distinguished himself as a producer, philanthropist, and author of ten works of fiction and memoir. Now, more than fifty years after the release of his enduring epic Spartacus, Douglas reveals the riveting drama behind the making of the legendary gladiator film. Douglas began producing the movie in the midst of the politically charged era when Hollywood’s moguls refused to hire anyone accused of Communist sympathies. In a risky move, Douglas chose Dalton Trumbo, a blacklisted screenwriter, to write Spartacus. Trumbo was one of the “Unfriendly Ten,” men who had gone to prison rather than testify before the House Un-American Activities Committee about their political affiliations. Douglas’s source material was already a hot property, as the novel Spartacus was written by Howard Fast while he was in jail for defying HUAC.
With the financial future of his young family at stake, Douglas plunged into a tumultuous production both on- and off-screen. As both producer and star of the film, he faced explosive moments with young director Stanley Kubrick, struggles with a leading lady, and negotiations with giant personalities, including Sir Laurence Olivier, Charles Laughton, Peter Ustinov, and Lew Wasserman. Writing from his heart and from his own meticulously researched archives, Kirk Douglas, at ninety-five, looks back at his audacious decisions. He made the most expensive film of its era—but more importantly, his moral courage in giving public credit to Trumbo effectively ended the notorious Hollywood blacklist.
A master storyteller, Douglas paints a vivid and often humorous portrait in I Am Spartacus! The book is enhanced by newly discovered period photography of the stars and filmmakers both on and off the set.

My favorite part of the day is right in that sweet spot after I wake up but before I remember that I hate everything

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