Yea I'm a sarcastic smartass with the tendency to be an asshole what's your point?

Your greatest test is when you are able to bless someone else while you are going through your own storm

Never get too attached to anyone unless they also feel the same, because one sided expectations can mentally destroy you

People should be glad I don't always comment my thoughts on their Facebook posts

The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually busy working

This is how Tequila works

I'm not the kind of person who calls the cops, I'm the kind of person that if you piss me off, you better hope you can call them before I get a hold of you

Befor you spread rumors about me let me fill you in on what I heard about you

Isn't it ironic how you get out of a relationship & they start talking to the same person they claimed they had nothing going on with

Had a fight with an erection this morning beat it singled handed

It's not the size of the boot that counts. It's how far you can shove it up someones ass!!!

I don't always have a cool facebook status but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment

Self Control. The only way to survive in this world dominated by idiots

Have you ever stopped liking somebody that you liked a lot and suddenly notice that they are a shitty person and realize how blinded you were by how much you liked them

Turtle Income Rabbit Spending... Story of my Life

You can't always control who walks into your life... but you Can control which window you throw them out of

Ever feel like you forgot to do something important?

That awkward moment when you start driving really safe, paying attention to stop signs, watching your speed, making sure you use your signals, etc.. because a police car is behind you

I'm not an asshole. I am actually one of the nicest people you will ever meet. you are just pissed because I can see through your bullshit

I don't remember asking for your opinion, but since we're sharing how we feel, I think you should go fuck yourself

And then all of a sudden she changed. She came back a completely different person with a new mindset, a new outlook, a new soul the girl that once cared way too much about everyone and everything no longer cared at all

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. the fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

Welcome to the middle class! where you have enough money to pay your bills and taxes.. just not enough money for anything else

Never ever look down on someone unless they are giving you head

Relationships are like drugs. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life.

Marriage is a workshop... where husband works & wife shops..

How it feels to write after a long time

My Life so Far...

I shall call him. Mini Me

I see humans but no humanity

Shouldn't you be in school? shouldn't You be in the kitchen?

I don't always dislike children, but when I do, it's usually because their parents aren't doing their job

Okay your father managed to get a mouse, Now how do we use it?

Here's to drinking enough that your New Year's blackout erases all of last year

My New Year's Resolution is to become a skinny bitch.. actually just skinny, I'm already a bitch

Sometimes I question my Sanity. Occasionally, it replies

I refuse to back down to bullshit, so if you are going to start, you better be fucking ready to rumble

A Good Friend will be there to calm you down when you are mad, but a Best Friend will be holding a shovel asking, do you think the hole is deep enough?

Look, your husband is talking to another girl.. Let him; I want to see how long he can suck in his stomach

Hey Neighbour, You might want to consider getting your squeaky ghetto ass bedfrrame fixed I only suggest this because I know I'd be embarassed if I knew my neighbours could tell that I couldn't even last 60 seconds Happy New Year!

Bad day? Stop, take a deep breath and scream at the top of your lungs until everyone thinks your bat shit crazy. The look on their faces shoud brighten your day

Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn

You get what you Fucking Give

No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with

Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn't know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook

If you delete me from your timeline due to my "inappropriate" humor, that just means I'm doing my job. Now you can go eat a bowl of shit

The Sofa King. I'm Sofa King Happy

Rules for dating my daughter. #1. You Can't

I can't tell if I'm manic or over caffeinated

My short term memory loss has it's perks. I suddenly remember I'm awesome all the time!