I blame your perfect breasts for my inability to focus during our conversations

Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets

When most girls wear hoodies and messy buns they look amazing. when I do, I look like I've tried every drug in the world

That awkward moment when you realize the kid you desperately need a break from will NEver miss a day of school

Let's have a staff meeting and discuss the things that must happen but will never actually end up happening

One woman's piece of shit exboyfriend is some drunk slut's Prince Charming

I really do deserve more credit for not acting on the evil, Twisted thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis

I noticed through your window that you received my floral bouquet in honor of National Stalking Awareness Month

Sometimes, it takes balls to be a Woman.

If you could lose weight by just wearing work out clothes, we'd be the skinniest bitches around

You know you're a Mom when you sleep in till 8 am and it feels as magical as riding out of your bedroom on a unicorn!

I woulld've been in bed an hour ago, if I could just find the bottom of this Pinterest Page.

Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart. "Clean up on aisle 13" "But sir.. there is no aisle 13" Dramatic music

My little sister was complaining about wanting to swim but having no pool. I found her in the backyard like this.

If your job is to tell me how to do my job, you should at least know how to do my job.

Trust no one. except for this fat, fluffy baby duck who thinks he's a dog. He's legit.

I hope Snooki doesn't have problems delivering her baby. She'd hate to hear the doctor say "we have a little Situation here" - Steve Carrell

She did not need much. Wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, cozy bed and to love and be loved in return - Starra Neely Blade

Sorry your new girlfriend turned out to be 100 times more crazy than you accused me of being. Suddenly I'm not so bad am I?

We refuse to see how bad something is until it completely destroys us.

Dear Clothing Designers for Children, I would like to purchase something suitable for a 9 year old girl that doesn't make her look like her hobbies include hooking and dancing in bars. Sincerely, Me

This year let's resolve to make better bad decisions

I value the opinions that you keep to yourself

Remember boys it's "No Shave November" or for real men who keep bears year round. just November

I love you conditionally.

You find it offensive? I find it funny that's why I am happier than you!

I love how coffee tricks me into thinking I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes

Part of me says I need to quit drinking like this. The other parts of me says, "Don't listen to her, she's drunk"

Don't open Dead Inside. Don't Dead, Open Inside?

When comforting a Grammar Nazi. I always say softly, "There, Their, They're"

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

I'm happy today. would you like to know why? because I'm baked darling. like an apple pie

If you work in a hospital, you can't easily fake call in sick to work. oh, you're sick? well why don't you come in to work and we'll have a look at it.

I want you to know that I meant every word of the compliments you forced me to make

What's that? You heard a bunch of stories about me? From someone who hates me? That shit MUST be true!

Shorts : If it looks like your vagina is trying to eat them, they're not for you

I prefer to describe myself as delightfully difficult. and it would just be easier if you agreed

Evolution of Dance

I'm planning on having my favorite drink this weekend it's called a lot

Oh my god I was ticking my feet out the window and this biker tickled my foot I'm DYING

I like the way you think fortune cookie... to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

Everyone is having babies and I'm over here like, "Look at these 500 pictures of my dog!"

Let's have a staff meeting and discuss the things that must happen but will never actually end up happening

That party don't start till I walk in

Saying I notice you're a nerd is like saying, hey, I noticed that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan - John Green

Congratulations, Pinterest, you have digitized America's compulsive hoarding problem

I'm 99% sure you don't like me. but I'm 100% sure I don't care

I don't always go to the gym but when I do. wait a minute I do always go to the gym nevermind

You can say whatever you want to say, you can do whatever you want to do; it just shows your True Character & I'll always judge you by what you say & do

I like my men how I like my books. Well Read and Leather-bound