Girls are not complicated. Seriously, how hard is it to say "you're pretty" and give us chocolate?

I hate when people don't understand my sarcasm. They ruin everything

So, Adele, what was your inspiration for "Set fire to the rain?" well, one day I saw Justin Bieber running in the rain. and that was the first thing I thought

When I was little, I'm gonna tell your mom was the scariest sentence ever

I haven't been able to get my kids to pay attention to anything I've said all day. So, I'm gonna sit here and pretend I'm on the phone. That should do it.

It's true money can't buy happiness, but I'd cheer up much faster while sitting poolside in a loungechair outside of my oceanfront mansion

Coming back watching the Dark Knight Rises... This is how it really is. This is how I feel like

Free WiFi can make you forget half of your life problems

Can a Teacher.. give a homeless kid homework?

This Nintendo Game Boy belonged to a soldier in the 1990-1991 Gulf War. the Game Boy was damaged when the barracks the soldiers were staying in were bombed. The damaged Game Boy still works and is running Tetris while perpetually plugged in at the Nintendo World Store in New York City. At last a Worthy Opponent Nokia

My wife tried to use a credit card online by inserting it into the floppy port of our pc. How do I get it out?

Being trapped in one corner of your shower because cold water is running.

Great.. He cut himself. Now we're all gonna start crying..

That extremely annoying moment when you're behind a slow walker and there's no way around them

4500 years of teaching experience has ensured exceptional results

5 things that annoy me.

1. when my favorite song comes on the radio as I get out of the car.

2. when I'm waiting for a text and I get one from the wrong person.

3. when people try talking to me while I have ear phones in.

4. when my brain reminds me of something I want to forget.

5. waiting a whole week for the next episode of your fave show.

I hate when my paretns yell at me to get ready, and then when I'm ready, they're still gettin ready

Not sure if Girlfriend not talking to me or if she's typing out a 23 page text

When you hear a song and every single word perfectly describes your situation

That awkward moment when you can't remember what you were going to do but you remember you were going to do something

You think having Fans make you sooooo cool, huh? yes

I like smelling new books

Best School Memory. Throwing random things at people then acting it wasn't you

I don't need a perfect relationship. I just need someone as weird as I am

They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask. just don't ask me.

I wanna write I love you on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to love you

I don't insult people. I describe them

10 yead olds today : OMG my parents never let me have anything! via iPhone - Fill Werrell

I'm not saying you're stupid I'm just saying you've got bad luck when it comes to thinking

what if Harry Potter never went to Hogwarts. and created a false reality to cope living under the stairs

I'd do anything to lose weight. except exercising and eating healthy

The feeling you get when you successfully talk to your crush

$19.99 because $20.00 is an outrageous amount of money

Restaurants Drinks Logic. Waiting for Food. while eating food

This year, my wish is that everyone gets exactly what they deserve

You didn't like me in grade school or high school.. but thanks for the Facebook friend request!

Everyone has a friend like this. My God!! you finished everything?? I didn't even start studying. infact I don't even know where my books are

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

I didn't do it! then why are you laughing? because whoever did it is a freaking genius

What happens when you wear the same jacket

In 1814, Women had No Rights. In 1914, Women fought for rights. In 2014, Women are always right

Name a Scientific theory that was later replaced with a supernatural explanation

A. Neal Report for Booty

Walang hiya ka nico.. teka lang!! aray! teka! yung suso ko naiipit! yung suso ko iniipit mo! araaay!!!

Be Veerwy Veerwy Quiets. We're huntin pwius

When a Girl says "Ok have fun" do not have fun. abort mission. I repeat, abort mission

Why is that crab on a tree. it's a coconut crab and they love to clim trees. throw a pokeball at that shit!

Mood Swing

Oh, Nice our son just twittered Happy Mother's Day, Mom" I liked it better last year when he posted "Happy Mother's Day" On my Facebook Wall