Let me check my givashitometer. Nope, nothing.

I'm so glad you told your husband how much you loved him on Facebook instead of in person. From 5 feet away

My sister put baby pajamas on her cat

I'd have a nicer ass if I didn't feel so lame doing the exercises that improve asses

It's a status, not your diary

No, thank you for letting me watch you constantly text as we hang out. I would hate to bore you with my company

Saying you don't read books makes you look stupid, not cool

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear

I know a first time parent when I see one.

Dear God, Thanks for making me funny, Especially since you didn't give me much else to work with

Sometimes I think I should try to be more compassionate and understanding and then you start talking

Most things can be improved by one of five things; cheese, bbq sauce, melted butter, ranch dressing, or chocolate

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that

I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.

That's tasteless, inappropriate, and totally hilarious

There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are supposed to be doing something else

Oh, Really? You know what that sounds like? Not my problem

I'm sorry if you don't like my honesty but to be fair I don't like your lies

Of course women don't work as hard as men.. they get it right the first time

I wish a bitch with fake eyebrows would try to argue with me. I would lick my thumbs so quick

My sense of humor earns me countless uneasy stares.

Texting in class level expert

Aww, I'm flattered you think I'm jealous. Whatever helps you sleep at night deary

Not sure if the Pope's resigning or this is the most creative way ever to quit twitter

The Power of a Tattoo

I woke up early. there was no worm

Strongest Man in the Universe. Afraid of his wife.

Things that melt. things you care about melting

How I feel after I walk up the stairs at school. Bruh

When Thor throws his hammer, he is "serving justice" when I throw a hammer, I "have anger management issue"

If they cheated in a relationship to get you. they're going to do the same to quit you

Don't drink.. and drive

Mom I'm feeling sick, take me to the doctor

Why do the women never have to take a DNA test to see if it's theirs? Nigga you just went full retard

if Monday had a face. I would punch it

You look out your back door and see these aliens. the object to your left is your only defence, how fucked are you?

Every students camera roll

Poor Man didn't even know

Now I can die in peace.

Name a word or phrase we need to stop using in 2014

The Two States. That Legalized Pot are getting together for a Super Bowl

Even the guy chasing her is laughing

In the Midnight hour. she cried moe, moe, moe

Sophia Vergara sounds like she has a dick in her mouth.. I hate hearing her talk. What's wrong with having a dick in my mouth?

Make up it makes a difference.

When your waiter comes out with food but it's for another table.

Confident Girls are Beautiful

We wanted them smaller until they could show selfies. then we wanted them bigger again

I have a disease called AWESOME. you won't understand it since you don't have it

Go Home UAAP You're Drunk