I don't care what movie he appears, he is always Stifler

Sometimes I forget to change the captions on my pins and worry people will think I really said that

I'm having one of those days where sounds, people's faces, and simply just being awake annoys me.

Here are two pictures. one is your locker. the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which? That one's the dump? they're both your locker I should've guessed that! he's good

Your mere existence is proof that pure evil walks the earth in human form

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure the kids took it.

I'm Sorry I went into survival mode when you tried to touch my hair

Parenting boys is not for sissys!

I would literally dislocate both of my shoulders in attempt to get all of the groceries in the house i one trip

Locking your car doors at a light because someone on the corner looks shady or crazy. then worry that they heard doors lock and you are hurting their feelings

I'd rather be in a human centipede than a group text.

When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer

If don't stop believin starts playing and the person you're with doesn't sing along. stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

I don't always wash my sheets but when I do, I forget them in the washer until I'm ready to go to sleep

What I lack in skinniness I make up for in awesomeness

I promised him we'd go to the beach today. He waited for me to finish cleaning and doing the aundry. when I told him, "O.k. Lets go to the beach!" He could barely contain himself. He even beat me to the car. But then 5 minutes into the drive i look over and see this.

Throwing fertilizer at people that need to grow up

So you want me to take on more responsibilities without a pay increase? Ok no problem, just write them on a piece of ice

If being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like half an Olsen twin

I like to surround myself with people who share in my inappropriate comments, sarcasm and random shenanigans

When the bus driver suddenly slams on the brake

Don't make fun of a big man with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it

I'm not OCD, but you can count on me to turn your toilet paper in the correct position

Thank you, Cashier, for bagging my Groceries in such a nonsensical way considering the fact that all of the items were grouped on the conveyer belt in an orderly fashion

The "half the fat but all of the flavor" brownie tastes like lies

You, sir, are a Buttmunch

Your negative attitude is proof that you aren't happy unless everyone around you knows how incredibly miserable you are

The Snozzberries taste like snozzberries

The Pity Train has just derailed at the corner of Suck it up & move on, and crashed into We all have problems, before coming to a stop at get the hell over it

I don't compete, I dominate

When you wake up from a nap looking for food

I spend all day thinking about which inappropriate ecard to send you

I understand some people live in their own little world, sometimes I wish they would stay there and never visit mine

I'd be much happier if your dick grew like Pinocchio everytime you lie.

according to my calorie intake, I need to be on the treadmill for 2 years.

Why do you wear pink camo? are you going to hunt flamingos

Today I witnessed a smart car attempt to cross the road via crosswalk, he pushed the button and everything.

You gotta keep on keepin' on

I've got hundreds of Facebook friends I've never met. when I was young we called them imaginary friends

Thanks for asking me in Front of my Child if he can have a piece of candy. That makes my life a lot easier

A day may come when I would like to install updates. but it is not this day

iPhone Group messages : because everyone loves getting 20 replies to your text message from random people

I've been diagnosed with awesome you should get yourself checked out. I may have given it to you

Filipinos be like we been doing this bucket challenge

So I was at the post office, some lady left her dog outside. not a big deal most of the time, but this is Minnesota and it was -20 out, it was shaking so bad, a stranger in line went out and kept the dog warm til the owner came back outside, my friend was about to go out and keep the dog warm - till right before this incredible guy said that he would

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school. an officer was interrupted by a little boy about six years old. looking up and down at his uniform, he asked "are you a cop?" "Yes" he replied and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. is that right? "Yes, that's right" he told him. "Well, then" he said as he extended his foot towards the officer, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Oh, wait! that's not ice. That's 10,000 dollars cash which I am donating to the ALS foundation. Because let's face it ice gonna melt but this money is gonna actually help people - Charlie Sheen

And that kids, is how I lost all my friends

I now nominate Jack for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

Ain't no such thing as a slow texter. Females will pause in the middle of doin hair, cookin & washin dishes to text u back if they feelin u