The more you try to convince us through Facebook that you love him so much, the more convinced we are that you're in a terribly unhappy relationship

This man made his daughter wear this shirt with his face on it to school for a week straight for coming home past her curfew

If you don't want to talk about it, don't post vague status updates on Facebook fishing for people to ask you what's wrong.

If it's not your skin it's none of your business

Fuck me over and it's fuck you forever

Last night I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor. at first I was afraid; I was petrified

If a little kid ever asks you just why the sky is blue, you look him or her right in the eye and say, "it's because of quantum effects involving Rayleigh scattering combined with a lack of violet photon receptors in our retinae" - Philip C. Plait

I must get up. My coffee needs me.

My Ex? Yeah, i'd stll hit that. Only this time, it'd be with a car or a baseball bat

Some days should come with a warning label; today is going to suck so bring alcohol

Wasn't that just so sweet of you to post that picture of us together where you looked like you were from Next Top Model and I looked like I was from the Walking Dead

If I am ever on life support, unplug me.. then plug me back in. see if that works

I wanna sneak out in the middle of the night and drive to the middle of nowhere and lay on the roof of a car and stare at the stars

The secret of Happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles

I don't know about you, but people make me want to say bad words

I guess shaking my head at people is sometimes better than punching them in the face, sometimes.

Don't nominate if you don't donate - Joey De Leon

Asking me if I'm hungry is like asking me if I want money

Going to spank me? Good Luck.

I love all of my children equally. Except for the one that naps. I love that one more

If you can't handle me at my Amanda Bynes, you don't deserve me at my Beyonce

That awkward moment when you want to laugh but it's completely inappropriate.

On a first date I refuse to order a salad. I'm ordering a big juicy bacon cheese burger and fries. if you don't like it then you can suck my lady nuts

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look... that one is shaped like an idiot"

It's happened. A Chinese Person with a random english word as a tattoo.

I know you, and I know your husband. Trust me, Your kid is not gifted

Life could be worse, Calvin. Life could be a lot better, too!

Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you, and the tremendous impact you made on their life. It's not me. I think you're an idiot

Once again, Tom Hiddleton being such a nice guy and staying in character when kids come to the set.

The day I tried to take a selfie with a camel

The reason women are usually not the ones to propose is because as soon as she drops to her knees, he will start unzipping his pants

I finally made myself a place to keep my mismatched socks. Save Dobby

I'm sorry you're a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot. I'm not sorry for pointing it out.

If you ever feel bad about procrastinating. just remember that mozart wrote the overture to Don Giovanni the morning it premiered

Malamig lang ang panahon jowa na ang hanap mo.. try mong mag lugaw may itlog din yun

Mahal ka nya, mahal mu sya. pero mas mahal ang tuition fee kaya mag aral ka muna

When I find out my patient is on isolation precautions after I've already been in the room a million times

I don't know if you know this, but your boobs go inside your shirt

Just realized my life turned out better than yours. Checkmate, bitch

I'd socialize, but it gets in the way of just being at home and doing what I want

What does this kid worry about at night? Not much!

I'm sorry and by sorry I mean get over it and stop acting like a 5 year old

What kind of disability is this?

If a person doesn't react to your bad attitude or behavior instantly it does NOT mean that person didn't notice or didn't want to react. it can simply mean that the person is wise enough to not to start a fight with an immature person like you. you've already been judged for your attitude & behavior & you're going to pay the consequences in the future

Matthew 19:21 Jesus answered, "if you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." You're doing it wrong, asshole!

I think our relationship is finally at that point where you should learn about my existence

If you ever need a slightly distracted, unsympathetic friend, I'm here for you

I love how my thighs look when I sit down wearing shorts. - Said no one ever

How I think I look when my hair is blowing in the wind. what I actually look like

if Target had a bar, my life would be perfect.