I think It's really funny how we've only communicated through pins today

I would rather go through life as an honest sinner than a dishonest hypocrite

Sometimes, I pretend that I'm sick, so I can stay in bed and not have to cook, clean, take care of the damn kids or run any errands. You should try it sometime!

I'm starting my diet on Monday. I didn't say which Monday, but I will be starting my diet on Monday

In the not too distant future, emergency sirens will be personalized like ringtones. Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin alive stayin alive. I fought the law and the law won. It's raining men, hallelujah! it's raining men!

I can't believe it I'm on a box of cookies.

if you were in my novel, I'd have killed you off by now

I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off in the distance while pumping my gas

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power - Abraham Lincoln

I'm so glad you found someone who will settle for someone like you

I'm sorry I fell asleep ten minutes after starting the movie it took us three hours to agree on

Look I'm trying to rant here. Stop interrupting me with Facts and reason

When church is over and you tryna leave but your mom keeps talking

You could sleep in on Sunday. Or, you could drag your ass over 13.1 miles just for a cheap medal, tee shirt, and glass of wine. welcome to the insanity

I'm sorry I was 30 minutes late to the job in which I already work ungodly amounts of unpaid overtime

Why can't people appreciate how much work I put into Not becoming a serial killer?

I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you've got bad luck when it comes to thinking

A douche bag of your magnitude could cleanse a whale's vagina

I feel sorry for myself having to hear about how sorry you feel for yourself

If this is reality I'm not interested!

When you don't know what you're doing. it's best to do it quickly

There are people on Facebook who fail to grasp the difference between what's on your mind? and you should talk to a therapist about that

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad

I'm sorry, Ma'am? Oh, we're just about to make some history. No big deal.

Let me know when you're able to emotionally process me calling you out on your bullshit. I'll be here.

Went to the beach OMG Beach Sand Ocean Water Fish Fishermen Bikini Swim Swimsuit sun tanning towels icecream shells sunscreen hats boats jetty beachball

You're not paid to think a mindless worker is a happy worker! shut up and do your job!

You may have a hot body, but I have a hot burger and a cold beer. who's the real winner here?

Don't believe them when they tell you it smells like rose petals when it's supposed to smell like pussy

One day my son will look at this picture and laugh as hard as I have

Clothes shopping has dwindled to buying athletic shorts, collecting T-shirts from 5k races and wondering how the hell I will afford another pair of running shoes

My daughter had a crazy hair day at her School. this is what her mom came up with

I'm So over my hair I'm ready to chop it all off. and by chop it off I mean trim it half and inch

Sometimes I don't answer your calls because I'm too tired to give you advice that your not going to take

Steve Jobs on IBM

S

My brain is giving me the silent treatment today

I guess cats don't appreciate random picture-taking, either

Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster. so you can see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting

I am a girl and pink camo pisses me off.. seriously what are you hunting flamingos?

if I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I'll be out sick

Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

Once upon a time, Mommies & Daddies could beat their Kid's asses so they learned to respect others. But these days they can't and that's why so many people suck. The End

I'd love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this saw

She has no Idea

I'm so glad you posted another self portrait on Facebook today.. I almost forgot what you looked like!

When my legs are shaved I feel like I fianlly have my shit together.

One of our dogs is clearly smarter than the other

Tag a mate who loves his video games

Real Women don't label themselves as dimes, barbies or bad bitches, because real men don't carry around loose change, play with toy dolls or wife dogs

The only thing I've learned during finals week is the importance of marrying rich.