The Internet Ruins Everything

Clever Boyfriend... Amazing Mouth Victoria

Rectal Examination Anyone?

A friend who was about to administer a rectal exam told her patient

Friend : "Hinga lang po sa puwet... " ( breathe with your anus... )

Is your daughter a Boy or a Girl ?

Client : "Can you book my daughter for a flight from New York to Los Angeles?"

Travel Agent : "Is your daughter a boy or a girl?"

Suspected as Gay

We have a friend who we suspect, is gay.

One time, he was walking a little too close to a cliff, so another friend blurted out.

Friend : "Huy, baa mahulog ka sa bading!" ( Instead of "bangin." )

World's worst boyfriend ever

Who are they looking for in Finding Nemo?

We were talking about animated films when a friend said...

Friend : " Teka, Teka, sino ba'ng hinahanap sa Finding Nemo?"

My parents own a boutique.. oh They're into fashion? No. Medicine

When our teacher asked us to say something about our parents...

Friend : "My parents own a boutique."

Teacher : "Oh, they're into fashion?"

Friend : "No, medicine."

mom's hot date

Gusto mo convoy tayo?.... Shet! Ikaw Din?

I asked my friend, who's also a girl

Girl 1 : " Gusto mo convoy tayo?"

Girl 2 : "Shet, Ikaw din?"

( She thought I said " tomboy" Ayun, nag-out siya ng 'di oras.

The word Bathala

My Friend was trying to remember the word "Bathala".

Friend 1 : "Ano ulit 'yung pangalan ni God?"

Friend 2 : "Yahweh?"

Friend 1 : "Hindi! 'Yung may T-H sa gitna!"

Friend 2 : "Jethuth?"

Funny Family Quotes

1. My sister yelled at her son, who was playing outside:"Kain na, pinagluto kita ng adobo!" Her son answered,"Mamaya na, nagpapalipad po ako ng sranggola!" My sister said,"Mamaya na 'yan, makakain mo ba 'yang saranggola mo?" Her son answered,"Eh 'yang adobo mo, mapapalipad mo ba?"

2. We once had a visitor who was caught picking her nose by my lola. LOLA:"Ano'ng kinukuha mo, ineng?" VISITOR:"Nursing po." LOLA:"Ah, akala ko kulangkot."

3. During our wedding reception, my wife's mom said in her speech:"Anak, sana matulad kayo sa amin ng daddy mo. Kahit sa ganitong edad, mahilig pa rin sa sex!"

4. My mom once said to me,"If your father is poor, that's destiny. But if your husband is poor, that's stupidity."

5. My mom, to me and my friends at our dinner table:"Barkada kayo ng mga bakla,'no?"

6. When my mom was teaching me language she said,"F is F, P is P. Get the foint?"

7. When my sister had her first manliligaw, our lola asked the boy:"May plano ka bang galawin ang pechay ng apo ko?"

8. My niece to her dad's boss:"Si Daddy 'pag natutulog, laging nakahawak sa dodo ni Mommy!"

9. My 10-year-old sister as she lead the rosary:"The second Sorrowful Mystery is the scouring of the caterpillar..."

10. One time my mom let slip:"Manang-mana ka sa tunay mong ama!"

Drama Queen Quotes

1. "Today was going to be a good day. Then I woke up."

2. "It's sad to see someone you know turn into someone you used to know."

3. "I love sleeping, because my life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake."

4. "My definition of happiness: those few moments when I forget just how much pain I'm in."

5. "The leaf went with the wind because the tree didn't ask her to stay."

6. "The advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening."

7. "Ang tanging lasa sa matabang kang buhay ay ang alat ng sarili kong luha."

8. "What is death but freedom from this chain of pain called life?"

9. "Don't tell me something crazy like you love me, because I might do something crazy, like believe it."

10. "What's that awful noise? Oh, yeah. It's the sound of my heart breaking."

Date Quotes

1. GIRL 1:"O, kamusta date mo kagabi?"
    GIRL 2:"Sumakit ang boobs ko...nasobrahan sa kape."
    GIRL 1:"Ha, may ganung effect ang kape?"
    GIRL 2:"OO naman, kape-pisil at kape-pindot..."

2. I was trying to flirt with my date, so I told him,"I wanna see what you're hiding between your legs...." He got this panicked look and said:"Alin, 'yung hadhad?"

3. A woman I've been bugging for a date finally texted me:"Come on over; nobody's home." I rushed to her house, and true enough...nobody was home.

4. I told my friend,"I heard your date's measurements were 39-23-35." He said,"Yeah, too bad it wasn't in that order."

5. GUY :"What's your zodiac sign? Mine is Cancer."
    GIRL:"Um... mine is... goiter?"

6. GUY:"Sa Starbucks nalang tayo kasi may WiFi doon."
    GIRL:"Sa McDo nalang, may apple fie doon."

7. When I asked a firend how his date went, he frowned and said:"Binentahan ako ng insurance after our date."

8. I arrived late for a date with a pa-sosyal girl. She shouted:"Where did you... where have you... saan ka ba galing?!!"

9. When I asked a super-hot date if she wanted coffee, she answered,"Sige,preferably kape ng Tarvax, pero pwede na rin yung kape ng Mini-Staff."

10. I was shocked that a hot younger guy asked me out on a date. While we were making out, he whispered:"Ang type ko talaga 'yung mukhang nanay..."

Bratty Quotes

1. Our tatay asked our bunso what he wanted for Christmas,and he answered:"A grand piano." My tatay said:"That's too expensive,anak." Our bunso answered:"So next time, don't ask." - Mr. PERK

2. During an argument with my eight-year-old son, he told me;"You'd make a great evil stepmother."- DEMZ

3. I once screamed at my parents:"Bakit niyo pa ako ipinanganak dito sa mundo kung 'di nyo rin pala ako bibilhan ng Family Computer?" - ACER

4. Officemate 1 didn't finish her food so Officemate 2 said:"Ubusin mo 'yan, ang daming batang nagugutom!" Officemate 1 said:"Nagugutom sila, hindi dahil hindi ko inubos ang pagkain ko. Nagugutom sila dahil hindi nagsikap ang mga magulang nila!" - BLAIR

5. WIFE:"Mabuti siguro kung nagpakasal nalang ako sa demonyo!" HUSBBAND:"Bawal kayo magpakasal sa kamag-anak!"- NO NAME

6. When my friend didn't pass the entrance exam to her university of choice, she immediately took out her cell phone, called her dad and said,"Dad, I didn't pass. Fix it!" - CARMELA A

7. My gal pal fell in love with a mestizo duded. One time, they agreed to meet and he told her;"You're in Makati, I'm in Ortigas, let's meet halfway:I'll see you in Megamall." - REICHEN

8. We heard a loud crash in the next room and when we got there, we saw my niece right next to a broken vase. Asked repeatedly to explain herself, my niece said nothing. When her mom said,"Bakit hindi ka sumasagot?" My niece answered,"I have the right to remain silent." - NICKELTRO

9. Whenever I refure to have sex with my husband, he says, "Sige ka, mambababae ako." - GRACIE

10. "Simple lang ang gusto ko sa buhay... 'yung ako ang masunod." - TINSELBELLE