So I was sucking on her tits. then the husband walks in and I just shit myself

The difference between Drunk & fuckin drunk

Just because I give you advice, it doesn't mean I know more than you, it just means I've done more stupid shit.

Pussy is kinda like toothpaste to me my goal is to have it in my mouth at least twice a day

At times, I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads

I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex.. I was just thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. Now, shut the fuck up.

I might fight my sister, talk shit about my sister maybe even go with out speaking to my sister but! best believe I'll fuck you up over my sister

You call it "bitching" I call it Motivational Speaking

If the show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces. They're nothing but trouble

I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices, and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve.

I treat people exactly how I want to be treated... I leave them the hell alone.

Let me fuck you up with some truth here.

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat In the toilet and close the
lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash‘
and ‘Rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that
there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly
lilt the lid.

8. The oat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off

9. Both the toilet and the cat wilt be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

I'm not still mad at you. I was never mad at you. I just decided my life would be better without you in it.

Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions

Girl is so High. Kissing Tree

Post by Sex and Weed.

How Samsung was Born.

White guy orders at Jollibee in deep Tagalog - HILARIOUS (Maputing Cooking)

Published on Mar 30, 2014

Tagalog speaking Aussie Chris Urbano (Host of Maputing Cooking)
orders at Jollibee... in deep Tagalog.

Watch as he inspires Jollibee employees to use more Filipino language - and even try to get a discount. Jollibee - bida ang sarap!!

I'd rather be in relationship where no one wears the pants

I'll kiss you in the rain so you get twice as wet

Drive a bike on the street and no one panics. Drive a car on the sidewalk and everyone loses their minds!

Go Home Officer. You're Drunk

These pills will make you stop being a crazy bitch. you should take one

When a guy Moans it's the sexiest shit Ever!

My magic watch says you don't have any underwear on. Oh, you do? it must be 15 minutes fast

I understand some people live in their own little world, sometimes I wish they would stay there and never visit mine

I hate it when crumbs fall in your cleavage. Sometimes my boobs eat more than I do.

All those bad traits my kids have.. were inherited from their father. But luckily they get their smarts, good looks, charm and all good things from me

The best remedy for a Dry Mouth? is a wet pussy

The World is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say : "Not today, you bastards" - Anthony Jeselnik

My Doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a couple weeks. so now I have to sit down when I pee.

that feeling you get when someone you thought was cool as shit, turns out to be shady as fuck

Farting isn't very ladylike? Well neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that

All I am asking is that you keep your mouth shut when speaking to me.

Have you ever been so drunk.. you had to strap yourself in, and hold on for dear life?

I'm not hot or gorgeous. I don't have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I'm far from being considered a model but I'm me. I eat food, Ihaye cunres, I have more fat than I should, Ihava scars,I have a history. Some people love me. some like me, some hate me. I have done good, I have done bad. I love my PJ's and I go without makeup. I'm random and crazy. I don't pretend to he someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won‘! change!! And if I love you, I do it with my heart!! I make no apologies for the way I am. Ladies SHARE this if you're proud of who you arel

Name the song you're listening to and add "with my penis"

Making sex noises when your friends are on the phone with their parents

Memo to all drivers : If you want to go exactly the same speed as the slow ass driver next to you, get the Hell out of my lane. Thank you

I have a Masters from the school of life. I majored in Sarcasm with a minor in Smart Ass

Bitchcraft : The art of pissing people of by telling them the truth

Ever have one of those days where literally everything pisses you off? Someone could be like "Look at that rainbow", and I'd be all "Fuck that shit!"

Do you, take me, to be your lawfully fuckable sexmate. To fuck and to suck in various positions, against walls and on stairs in private or in public, til orgasm do us part?

Hoes be like I need a man who can pay my bills. Bitch what you need is a job

I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I AM rude as fuck. Ain't no law against it yet.

I don't think I could ever really complete anyone. But driving someone insane sounds doable

You will find your perfect person when you realize there's no such thing

Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one egg says to the other.. "I've got a huge crack!" The other egg replies "stop fucking teasing me, I'm not hard yet!"

That's the way I am. Either I forget immediately or I never forget